ODE TO A MARRIAGE

My marriage of twenty years was over. In the many conversations with myself, I started thinking about what went wrong. I then begin trying to remember when she stopped saying I love you... It was during a telephone call. Did she say I love you before or after goodbye. I wrote the following as a song sung to the tune of a slow waltz.


We started bright like a red Christmas candle, but then faded like our first loving sheets. We soon wanted more than each other, forgetting the important thing was just you and I

When did we stop saying I love you, was it before or after goodbye.

Thoughts of loving you come again and again, like waves to the shore and

every time I remember...remember, "I do".

Those evenings we shared with other couples was nice, but the ones I cherish are those who stayed late. Your favorite was Grant and Dunne and mine were Wayne and O'Hara. We watched as they timelessly chased each other in the bonnie Irish sun.

When did we stop saying I love you, was it before or after goodbye.

Thoughts of loving you come again and again, like waves to the shore and
every time I remember...remember, "I do".

The children came one, two then three and we even thought about an buying an R.V. You were the perfect mom, always explaining why Dad's was going to be late. They grew so fast as the calenders change from Disney to Kincaid, and me I never got to those plans I had made.

When did we stop saying I love you, was it before or after goodbye.

Thoughts of loving you come again and again like waves to the shore and
every time I remember... remember "I do".

Memories leave us as we grow old, but please darling not this early because I miss holding your hand. You asked me to leave at the end of September. You said you and kids needed time to mend. The doctor said the therapy and pills should help calm my fear and rage within.

When did we stop saying I love you was it before or after goodbye.
Thoughts of loving you come again and again like waves to the shore and
every time I remember... remember, "I do".

I took some letters to the kids the other day. I needed to explain why Daddy wasn't there. I expected to find Jack with his lantern guarding the way. What I found was a wreath on the door hanging high and inviting, but the invitation wasn't for me.

When did we stop saying I love you was it before or after goodbye.

Thoughts of loving you come again and again, like waves to the shore and

every time I remember...remember, "I do".

I drove away sad and lonely. I didn't know where I was going. I only knew it hurt where I had been. My eyes were blinded by the on-coming lights and my tears were making the road curve. Please Lord, I just need a little hope that she will love me again.

When did we stop saying I love you was it before or after goodbye.
Thoughts of loving of loving you come again and again, like waves to the shore and every time I remember...remember, "do you".

CASTING ALL YOUR CARES UPON HIM

One early morning Jesus was standing on the shore watching His friends, Peter, Thomas, Nathaniel, the Sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples fish from a small boat. He saw that they had been out all night and had caught nothing. He got their attention and told them to cast their nets on the right side of the boat. The apostles had been fishing on the left side of the boat and their nets were empty. Jesus' power comes from the right hand of God, which is His place in heaven. The apostles then cast their nets on the right side of boat. When they drew in their nets they had caught so many fish that the nets began to tear. They had listened to the Lord of Sea and had been blessed in abundance. Is that all it takes? To listen and obey the masters voice? "Yes"! In Peter's writings (1 Peter 5:7) he tells us to cast our cares upon Him for He cares for us. Peter was fisherman. He knows by experience that if we cast our cares, worries, desires, and plans on Jesus (the true sea of blessings) that our nets will be filled to overflowing. A seine is also a net used to catch fish. I am truly a "seiner man" when I cast my cares upon him.

THE BARREN FIELD

My life has been plowed, cultivated, sown, and harvested. It's now barren. I began this blog writing about my life living with my wife and kids. Now I start again. This time I am writing about my life on the journey of one. I have experienced what many Christian's and non-Christian's know as divorce. Last Valentines day I wrote what what my wife means to me. This past Valentines day my wife of near 20 years filed for divorce. My struggles with mental illness have cost me my financial security, security of my career, and security of the heart. The security of my soul is intact, for I know whom I have believed in that He is able to keep that, which I committed unto Him until that day. Sometimes the farmer has to burn his field and turn the soil to make ready for a new crop. Maybe this is what the Lord is doing to me. I don't know what He is planting, but I will just have to trust him.

IT'S RAINING AGAIN

I could see the black and grey clouds on the horizon as I continued toward my destination. In the distance sporadic lightning illuminated the clouds massive engorged forms. I had to go into the storm. There was no other way home. It began with a few drops of warm rain on my face. At first it was refreshing, but then it slowed my pace, the drops started to fall harder, stinging the back of my neck. I put my head down and shielded my face from the rain. My legs were growing tired and weary. I watched my feet as my shoes became caked with mud from the trail. Fear of failure filled my heart as I entered the storm.

I have had some highs and lows during my life, but the last seven years have been especially difficult. During that time I lost my career job, friends, self respect, and now I have possibly lost my family. I have been hospitalized for depression twice in the last seven years. I was diagnosed with clinical depression during my first hospital stay and have been on medication ever since. During the last couple of years my situation has deteriorated. My family and my faith had been virtually my only joy, but that had also faded and the depression worsened. I currently work a night job, so I sleep all types of hours. Some nights I have gone to work only to end up sleeping in my car,because I was too depressed to go to work. I love my family with all my heart, but I seem emotionally detached. I end up sleeping all the time. When I am not sleeping I seem to be in a bad mood. At times I rage verbally at them. I am so ashamed and I ache for their forgiveness. They deserve to be happy and taken care of. It seems I have become the father and husband I never wanted to be. Recently my family moved to a new house. Prior to moving my wife would joke and say "if you don't change, you wont be living with us." A week after we moved in, I had another rage tantrum with my daughter. Three days later my wife asked me to move out. She said she and children needed peace and calm for a while. Of course she was right. I ended up staying at a friends house. I feel totally forsaken. The month earlier my wife and I had seen a marriage counsellor. He advised that I see a psychiatrist for a possible mood disorder. When I found a Psychiatrists, he suggested that I be evaluated by a local mental hospital. I went to the hospital and was evaluated. I ended up staying in the hospital in-patient program for eleven days. I now have been diagnosed as being Bipolar and been have prescribed Depakote and Effexor. I need my family's physical and emotional support. They provide the healing that the medicine cannot. I know they need healing as well, and I have not doubted God's presence in our lives. I just wish God would open my spiritual and physical eyes a little wider so that I can see that He can and will provide shelter from this painful rain.

THE JOURNEY OF THE VALENTINES

Its been many years since I have been to a Valentines Day party. The one I remember the most involves my mother. I was about 8 or 9 years old and in the 3 rd grade. I had bought a box a children's Valentines Day cards for my classmates. When I got ready to go to school, I realized I was 2 or 3 cards short. I was beside myself. I did not know what to do. My mother sent me on to school in tears. I remember being on the schools playground later that day and seeing my mother walking toward the school. My mother has arthritis and was not in the best of health at that time, so walking was difficult for her. The walk from my house to the school was about 1 mile or a 1 1/2 miles. I remember seeing my mother slowly walking to the school. It was February in Colorado and she was wearing a large coat to stay warm. I ran and met my mother. Upon greeting her she handed me 2 or 3 large store bought Valentines Day cards. This unselfish act of love has remained in my heart ever since. Thinking back, my mother not only walked to school to bring me the cards, but she also had walked to the store to buy the cards. We did not have the money for a small box of children's Valentines Day cards, much less 2 0r 3 large store bought cards. This Valentines Day I called my mother. It has been a several months since we have talked, but I felt I needed to express my love to her by sharing with her this memory. Hearing my mothers voice warmed me like that coat worn by her on that winters day long ago. I shared with her my memory and told her how much I loved her. I apologized to her if that small boy was ungrateful. My mother reassured me that I was overjoyed. As I hung up the phone, I knew the Valentine cards journey had taken it from the hands of of small boy into the grateful heart of a man. I don't remember what the cards looked like, but in their reflection upon my memory... all I see is a mother's love.

THINKING OF HER

This past Valentines Day, I sat down and tried to write what my wife means to me. These are the feelings which rule my heart.



LOVES RISING AND SETTING

It has been with us since the first day. Time is measured by it’s wake and slumber. It paused to allow a Godly warrior time to breach the walls of an enemy. It melted a young man’s wings of ambition when he flew into its realm. Its absence can cause panic and fear, leading souls to believe death or doom is near. Men have worshiped it, calling it by many names, dedicating temples on its behalf. Empires are named after its magnificence. Travelers have followed its direction home. Its reflection on the surface of water, or in the eyes of a beloved have inspired poetic masterpieces. Its passage through a jagged piece of glass or raindrops can make the beholder bow to its refracted beauty. Its name can be found in the titles of countless literary gems and sonnets. Its bathing rays of color upon mountains and fields of plenty have inspired anthems. Its radiance can cause a meadow to bloom with vibrant florals, or to be barren with no hope for life. Its presence brings balance and stability to those heavenly orbs that encircle it in reverence. A soul will seek shelter from it on a sweltering summer noon, or solace on a frigid winter morn. Whenever lovers in the west hold one another’s hands and watch its departure, lovers in the east tenderly hold each other and watch its arrival.
For you see my darling, my love for you is like the Sun, when the Sun sets it also rises. The Earth is always in its embrace, just as you are always in my heart.

THE GARDEN OF CHILDREN

"Raising" children can be a difficult and rewarding experience. Most parent's take pride in their children as they grow from infancy to adulthood. The parent's ultimate goal is to have their child grow to be independent and successful. The parent's "thoughts of the heart" is to be loved by their children and remembered as a good parent. A parent raising a child is much like a gardner tending a garden. The gardner chooses a plot of earth and plants the seed within it's fertile soil. The gardner then waits with anticipation for the seed to become a thriving plant or beautiful flower. The gardner has a great responsibility to tend to needs of the garden. The gardner must cultivate and nurture his garden by providing it with the necessities of life ; a safe place, light, water, nutrients, and attention. Sometime the gardner has to keep the garden from harm; weeds, pests, litter, and inclement weather. As the garden grows it remains under the watchful and caring eye of the gardner. The gardner must take pride in his garden and nurture it daily with caring attentive hands. The end result will be a place of enjoyment, comfort and satisfaction. Remember all gardens require labor, the gardner cannot just plant the seed and walk away. If the gardner abandons or neglects the garden it will become trampled walked on, overgrown, and infested with weeds and pestilence, and eventually die. The abandoned or neglected garden is oftentimes mistreated, overlooked and despised. This garden can also invade and become a menance to other gardens, affecting their growth and appearance. However, the garden that has been neglected and abandoned is not lost. There is a "Redeeming Gardner", who has seen the garden and will come through the open gate. The "Redeeming Gardner" has more than enough love and time to bring the garden back to life and glory.

THAT'S IT! THATS THE WAY I FEEL!

I have always enjoyed sci fi movies and sci fi series. I am not a junkie, but I do enjoy the imagitive theatrics. I dont read a lot a sci fi, but thats not my point at this time. I like watching the sci fi channel on cable. One night I was watching a show, and during a commercial break a spot for the sci fi channel came on. I had seen several different spots for the sci fi channel. Some are humerous, some are interesting, and some are very bizzare. This one captured my attention and has been imbeded in my thoughts ever since. The spot is filmed in black and white and opens on a sidewalk crowed with pedestrians in front of a building in some unnamed metropolis. The focus is a man in the midst of the crowd. He has his head down and his hand is rubbing his forhead. You get the impression he is at the end, there is no hope, and he just can't go on. He then looks to the sky and leaps upwards. As he's in mid air a pair of beautiful white angelic wings appear on his back. He then runs along the side of the building and pushes himself off, propelling himself skyward. The wings carry him above the crowd, the city, and away from his despair. The crowd doesn't seem to care, they dont even notice, but he is free, free from that which held him down. What held him down. Was it the gravity of the past, the gravity of the present, or the gravity of the future. It didnt matter. He was free. Thats it! That's the way I feel. Sometimes I wish I could soar above it all.

Psalm 55:6 (King James Version)

(6) And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.

INTRODUCTIONS ARE IN ORDER

"Middle Age", means half way there. Half way to the end of your life, hopefully, if your fortunate. It also means that a person has accumulated a lot of baggage, souveniers, and experiences along the way. This is where I begin. I am 44 years old and travelling through the state of reflection. Who am I, where am I, and what have I become. Blogging or journalling seems like a positive attempt to answer these questions. I have always kept my thoughts and feelings private, like shelter on a rainy day. Well I am soaked and ready to come in from the rain. I am planning to use this blog in the same way I would clean and reorganize my garage. I hope to get rid of unused items, throw out the trash, clean my tools, stack boxes, and make room for the car, or whatever. I am not going to try to impress or outdo the neighbors. I simply want to please myself and be happy. I may sometimes ramble and not make sense, but thats okay, if it does not work I will move it around or set it aside to work on it later. In saying this, I cannot deny the realities of my life. I am flesh and spirit. I will speaking from the man I have been for 44 years and the man I want to be. I will also be speaking from my inner man. My inner man is the spirit God breathed into me and then redeemed when I was about 8 years old.

LAY DOWN IN PEACE

I both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.

Psalms 4:8