IT'S RAINING AGAIN

I could see the black and grey clouds on the horizon as I continued toward my destination. In the distance sporadic lightning illuminated the clouds massive engorged forms. I had to go into the storm. There was no other way home. It began with a few drops of warm rain on my face. At first it was refreshing, but then it slowed my pace, the drops started to fall harder, stinging the back of my neck. I put my head down and shielded my face from the rain. My legs were growing tired and weary. I watched my feet as my shoes became caked with mud from the trail. Fear of failure filled my heart as I entered the storm.

I have had some highs and lows during my life, but the last seven years have been especially difficult. During that time I lost my career job, friends, self respect, and now I have possibly lost my family. I have been hospitalized for depression twice in the last seven years. I was diagnosed with clinical depression during my first hospital stay and have been on medication ever since. During the last couple of years my situation has deteriorated. My family and my faith had been virtually my only joy, but that had also faded and the depression worsened. I currently work a night job, so I sleep all types of hours. Some nights I have gone to work only to end up sleeping in my car,because I was too depressed to go to work. I love my family with all my heart, but I seem emotionally detached. I end up sleeping all the time. When I am not sleeping I seem to be in a bad mood. At times I rage verbally at them. I am so ashamed and I ache for their forgiveness. They deserve to be happy and taken care of. It seems I have become the father and husband I never wanted to be. Recently my family moved to a new house. Prior to moving my wife would joke and say "if you don't change, you wont be living with us." A week after we moved in, I had another rage tantrum with my daughter. Three days later my wife asked me to move out. She said she and children needed peace and calm for a while. Of course she was right. I ended up staying at a friends house. I feel totally forsaken. The month earlier my wife and I had seen a marriage counsellor. He advised that I see a psychiatrist for a possible mood disorder. When I found a Psychiatrists, he suggested that I be evaluated by a local mental hospital. I went to the hospital and was evaluated. I ended up staying in the hospital in-patient program for eleven days. I now have been diagnosed as being Bipolar and been have prescribed Depakote and Effexor. I need my family's physical and emotional support. They provide the healing that the medicine cannot. I know they need healing as well, and I have not doubted God's presence in our lives. I just wish God would open my spiritual and physical eyes a little wider so that I can see that He can and will provide shelter from this painful rain.